 |
ModLang72
|
|
| Just in case you missed them the first time
around, these are some of the items from previous jokes pages. Some jokes make
you laugh, no matter how many times you've heard them (.. but these aren't the
ones). Anyway, I've seen Ken Dodd's stage act three times and it was hilarious all three times!(despite the jokes being exactly the same) |
| Remember: Please email us any decent jokes you can contribute to these pages. | |
| This guy goes into a bar and sees two pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. The landlord says "I bet you can't get them down. If you do, I'll buy you free drinks all night. If you don't, you buy everyone in the pub a drink." The guy thinks for a minute and says "No thanks. The steaks are too high." | A lorry leaving a printing warehouse in London was involved in a collision and overturned, spilling its load of 20,000 copies of Roget's Thesaurus. Bystanders were said to be amazed, astounded, astonished, flabbergasted, startled, dumbfounded, bewildered, stupefied, dazed, shocked, surprised and nonplussed. |
| Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. | It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go "aaaaaagghhhh!" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in |
| I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?" And I said, "I careered off the road." | He said, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books." |
| The back of this guy's anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said, "Yes, this is my lively hood.' | I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." |
| You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice | I went to the dentist. He said, "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died." |
| Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. | I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, "Who's speaking, please?" And a voice said, "You are." |
| I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from." | I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you." |
| 27 things you don't want to hear during surgery
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Prince of Darkness" 4. Bo-bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 6. Hand me that....uh....that uh....thing-a-ma-jiggy. 7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 9. Doggone, there go the lights again... 10."Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Come on, the guy's got two of 'em. 11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 12. Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.. 13. What's this doing here? 14. That's great! Now make his leg twitch! 15. I wish I had my glasses. 16. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. 17. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean enough. 18. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....! 19. Anyone see where I left that scalpel? 20. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. 21. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. 22. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 23. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 24. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! 25. She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!! 26. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!! 27. Oh no!! Page 47 of the manual is missing! |
From"The Book Of Stupid
Questions". 1. If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you have lunch or go to a movie? 2. If you could chose between the body of a 20-year-old and the body of a 50-year-old, where would you keep it? 3. You are driving on a steep mountain road when a dog suddenly darts out in front of your car. There's no time to brake, and if you swerve to miss it, you will plunge off a steep cliff. What would you use to clean the blood off your chrome? 4. Would you rather be completely penniless and look like Paul McCartney did in 1964, or be a millionaire and look like Paul McCartney does now? 5. Dining a a friend's house you find a dead rat in your jello. Which fork should you use? 6. If you discovered that you had been mixed up at the hospital as a a baby, would you turn yourself in? 7. Would you rather be extremely happy but not know it, or be miserable but not care? Tough choices. Answers on a postcard please. |
| Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. He, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. | Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. |
| Mother: "Did you enjoy your visit to the zoo
with Daddy today?" Small daughter: "Yes, and so did Daddy - especially when one of the animals came in at 20-1" |
Doctor: "I don't like the look of your
husband." Wife: "Neither do I, but he's good to the kids." |
| A duck goes into a bar and asks the barman "Have you got any fish?" The barman says "No, we haven't. This is a bar. We sell beer and wine, we don't have any fish." The next day the duck goes in to the bar again and asks the barman "Have you got any fish?" The barman says "No. I've told you before, this is a bar. We don't sell fish!" The following day the duck returns to the bar and asks "Have you got any fish?" The barman replies "Look, for once and for all, we don't have any fish. We've never had fish. We will never ever have any fish. Go away and don't ever come back. If you ever ask me that again, I'll nail your feet to the floor and leave you there" The next day the duck comes in to the bar and asks "Have you got any nails?" "No", says the barman, somewhat nonplussed. "Good", says the duck, "have you got any fish?" | An English burglar, a Scots burglar and an Irish burglar are breaking into a bank. They are each carrying a large sack in which they hope to carry away their loot. Just as they are in the back alleyway, hacksawing through the bars on the bank's windows, they hear the sound of two pairs of size twelve boots approaching and hide themselves in the only way possible, by jumping into their sacks and lying down in the alleyway. Two policemen come along and see the three sacks. One copper kicks the first bag, and the Englishman inside goes "wuff, wuff, wuff". "It's a sack of abandoned dogs," says the policeman, "we'll contact the RSPCA and get them to come for them". Then he kicks the second bag, and the Scotsman goes "miaow, miaow, miaow". "Crikey," says the copper, "a sack of abandoned cats. The RSPCA will have to take them as well." Then he kicks the third bag. "Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes" says the Irishman. |
| The Duke of Westminster meets a poor Welsh hill
farmer at an agricultural show. "Tell me about your estates", says
the envious Welsh farmer. "Well, they are huge," says the Duke,
"I have one in Scotland, for instance, that is the biggest you've ever
seen." "Do you know, I can get into my Land Rover after breakfast and drive around until dusk and still not get to see it all?" "Yes," says the farmer, finding they have something in common, at last. "I used to have a Land Rover just like that" |
The new office junior is sent out to Starbucks to fetch some drinks. He puts a large Thermos flask on the counter and says "Is this big enough to hold six coffees?" The assistant behind the counter says "Yes, I should think that's big enough". "OK then, says the office junior, can I have one regular, one latte, a cappuccino, two black and a decaf." |
| Victoria Beckham calls from the kitchen: "Do
you like scampi, David?" David: "Yes, I love all those Disney films" |
The Beckhams are dining out. Victoria: "Shall we try the fish hors d'oeuvre?" David: "I'll have the d'oeuvre - I don't like fish" |
| Teacher: "Name a cow that gives a lot of
milk" Pupil: "Daisy." |
Teacher: "Give an area of low population
density." Pupil: "A graveyard." |
| Teacher: "Name the five continents."
Pupil: "a, e, i, o and u." |
Teacher: "Name an area of high population
density." Pupil: "Well, my cousins live in Manchester and they're pretty thick." |
| Once a pun a time: A man forgets to buy his wife her favourite anemones on her birthday. By the time he gets to the florist's, all that's left are a few bits of greenery. Neverhteless, he decides to buy the foliage and is pleasantly surprised when his wife expresses delight at the gift. "With fronds like these," she exclaims, "who needs anemones?" |
A frozen food delivery driver, who was a keen amateur snooker player, parked his delivery van and went into the pub for a quick pint but unfortunately forgot to lock the van. When he came out, ten packets of frozen peas and his two snooker cues had been stolen. The policeman called to the scene had no sympathy and said "Well, that'll teach you to mind your peas and cues." |
| After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the
Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell
ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews
personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call
it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was
there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You
have no arms!", he exclaimed. "No matter," said the man.
"Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a
beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment;
convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly,
rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong
out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop
rushed down from the belfry to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd
had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through,
one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his
name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
(WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "... but... ... he's a dead ringer for his brother." |
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After
firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short-circuit in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a ID parade. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"... A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"... In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket... During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, in the United States NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. |
| Seen in a guidebook about Malta: Although every care has been taken, we do not accept responsibility for inoccuracies. |
Notice seen in a Belgian booking office: "Hand your baggage to us. We will send it in all directions." |
| Notice in a Spanish hotel: It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such is please not to read this notice. |
Seen in Milan hotel: Do not adjust your light hangar. If you wish to have it off, the manageress will oblige you. |
| Notice in an Austrian hotel: In case of fire, please do your utmost to alarm hall porter. |
English instructions on a food packet: To do what: Besmear a backing-pan, previously buttered with a good tomato sauce and after, dispose Canneloni, lightly distanced between them in a only couch. |
| Rag Mag Stuff (cont): (As in: "Do you like Dickens?" "I don't know, I've never been to one") "Well then, do you like Kipling?" "I don't know, I've never kippled." "OK, how about a Trolloppe?" "Now you're talking...." |
"Jimmy, just pop across the street and find
out how old Mrs. Brown is this morning." Jimmy comes back two minutes later: "She says it's none of your business how old she is!" |