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| We've called this page "Derek's Jokes" because .... well, actually he paid us to get his name on a page header. In fact, although a lot of the jokes are contributed by Derek, they come from all sources and anyone can contribute. They do not necessarily need to be of Bradford origin or vintage! Please email us any decent jokes (no indecent ones, please!) |
| Two days after starting to wear her first pair of
spectacles, a woman's eyesight suddenly started to deteriorate. Returning to the optician's, she had some tests and he then examined her glasses. "Do you ever use hairspray in the morning?" he asked casually. "Yes," replied the woman. "Well, I recommend you remove your spectacles first." |
A guy goes to the doctor's surgery looking
extremely worried. "Doctor," he says, "you've got to help me. Do you remember how long I've been complaining about those voices in my head? Well, they've suddenly gone away." "So what's the problem," says the doctor. "I think I must be going deaf." |
| A frog goes into a bank and approaches the
teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager says "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan." |
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thank the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you will forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" |
| A guy walks into a bar and sits down. When he hears someone say "nice shirt" he asks the bartender, "Who said that?" The bartender replied, "The peanuts. They're complimentary." | A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's the matter, you look miserable". The mushroom replies "How can I be msierabale? I'm a fun guy!" |
| There was only one customer in the local pub so the barman phoned his wife and told her he'd be home early. But just then another man came in. "Where are you from?" asked the first customer. "Five miles west of town," answered the newcomer. "I live five miles west of town too. Let's drink to that." As they drained their glasses, the first man learned that his drinking companion's age was 43. "I'm 43 too. We'd better drink to that as well." It then turned out that both were born in the same hospital, and another round was ordered. Calling his wife, the barman said, "Forget it, dear-the Farquharson twins are at it again." | A married couple is in bed sleeping and someone
knocks on the front door. So the husband gets up to check it out. It's some drunken guy, and he asks the hubby for a push. So the husband goes in and talks it over with his wife. He doesn't want to help but she reminds him of the time when he was drunk and needed help. The man gets dressed and exits the house, ready to help the drunk. He looks around and finds the man sitting on their porch swing. |
| You know how you often like to hear the same music again and again? You know how you like to watch "The Sound of Music" over and over? Well, if you want to revisit the jokes which were previously on this page, we've stuffed them into a vault called The Jokes Repository. Take Me To The Repository | |
| Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of a river. The blonde on the far side of the river yells to the other blonde and says" How do I get to the other side?" The blonde on the nearer shore looks puzzled and yells back" You ARE on the other side" | Two blondes were walking in the woods and they came upon some tracks. The first blonde said, "Oh look, deer tracks!" The second blonde then said, "No dummy, they're wolf tracks." Five minutes later a train hit them. |
| To impress his new girlfriend, a young man took her to an Italian restaurant. He picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the giuseppe spomdalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the proprietor." | When John tried sniffing curry powder to clear his blocked sinuses, he collapsed and was rushed to hospital. Doctors announced he was in a korma. |
| A neutron walks in to a bar. "A beer please" he says. The barman provides the drink. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron "For you, absolutely no charge" | A policeman spots an elderly lady driving and knitting at the same time. "Pull over" he shouts "No" she replies, "it's a scarf" |
| "You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in solitary confinement and you'll be kept on a diet of pancakes and pizza." "Will pancakes and pizza cure me?" "No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door." | "I'm suffering from terrible constipation," said the patient to his doctor. "What have you been eating?" asked the GP. "Snooker balls," replied the patient. "I had two reds for breakfast, three blues for lunch and ten browns, a pink and a black for dinner." "I think I know what the problem is," replied the doctor. "You're not eating enough greens." |
| The only cow in a small village in Russia stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the priest, who was very wise, what to do. They told the priest what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The priest thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they got the cow. "You are truly a wise priest," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The priest answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk." | This bear goes into a bar and asks for a
beer. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar". The bear bangs on the bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars". The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids". The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen". In exasperation, the bear bites the bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve bears who are on drugs". The bear says "On drugs?" The barman says "Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate" |
| An explorer returns from Africa and heads for the nearest bar. "Two pints, please" he says. "One for me and one for my friend", as he pulls a three-inch-high man out of his pocket. The barman watches amazed as the tiny man downs the pint in one. "That's amazing" says the barman, "what else can he do? Can he talk?" Oh yes, says the explorer and turns to the tiny man: "Hey, tell him about that time you called that witch doctor an idiot" | One morning a man is woken by a knock at the door. He gets up and goes downstairs to open the door and is met by a six-foot-six-inch spider which immediately head-butts him, runs inside, tramples all over the man, kicks him in the back, boots his ribs and stamps all over him. Next thing the householder remembers is waking up in hospital. Turning to the doctor he says, "I feel terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor tells him, "I'm afraid there's a nasty bug going about." |
| A waiter went into hospital for an operation. After his pre-med he was taken to the operating theatre, but all the doctors and nurses rushed by and ignored him. After waiting for an hour the man shouted out, "Will someone please attend to me!" "Sorry," said a passing surgeon. "Not my table." | While a man was working on the railway, a train came speeding round the corner. He ran as fast as he could down the track before it finally hit him. When he regained consciousness in hospital, the nurse asked him why he hadn't simply run up the embankment. "Don't be a fool," said the worker. "If I couldn't outrun it on the flat, what chance would I have running uphill?" |
| Mr Smith goes to see his doctor about a sore foot. The doctor examines him, but recommends that he see a specialist. At the clinic, the specialist is optimistic. "I'll have you walking in an hour!" he declares. Later, Mr Smith returns to the GP on foot. The doctor is amazed, "How did the specialist cure you?" he exclaims. "Well," replied Mr Smith, "the consultation was so expensive I had to sell my car." | In a remote country area, a man crashed his car into a pole. After walking miles to the nearest village to find help, he finally spotted a telephone box. When he found the line was dead, he kicked the kiosk angrily. "Don't blame the phone," said a local passer-by. "Apparently some idiot crashed into a telegraph pole and brought all the lines down." |